How to Win Theological Arguments and Make Friends

Let’s face it: some Christians are wimps. Now I don’t simply mean that they can’t bench press twice their weight or lift a King James Bible with one hand. No, I mean that some Christians are theological wimps. Sure, maybe they have read every issue of “Our Daily Bread”  published in the last ten years, but can they properly define supralapsarianism in front of auditorium filled with doctoral candidates? What are we to do with such people? In my humble but vast experience I have developed a three-step technique to deal with these washouts. I present you with the acronym “WIN“: Wield Theology, Incite Panic, and Never Surrender.

W: Wield Theology

The first step in combating Christian wimps is to wield theology. For this step to work YOU MUST HAVE THEOLOGY. Generally speaking, theology is acquired through spending several years, and perhaps a golden calf, in a Christian Seminary. If you aren’t pursuing a seminary degree (and I’m not counting those 30-some credit MA’s), please stop reading here. No, I’m serious. YOU are the problem. If you are pursuing, or have completed, a seminary degree, you have no need for me to instruct you on how to wield theology, since that is why websites like TGC  exist. I will add one note, though: make sure you wield your theology in the most public manner possible.

I: Incite Panic

The second step in freeing Christianity from theological wimps is to incite panic. People need to realize that if they are not theological heavyweights, they are sinning. It isn’t even one of those small sins like homosexuality, embezzlement, or attending movie theaters. No, if a Christian cannot defend Biblical Christianity against the likes of Richard Dawkins or Joel Osteen, they might as well forget about being used by God in this life. Make sure you inform every Christian you meet that they MUST have the same theological positions as you on everything, or they risk having the wrath of God, or worse, your wrath, fall down upon them like brimstone on Sodom.

N: Never Surrender

Finally, you must under no circumstances ever even consider surrendering. All theological battles are a fight to the death. Now, I’m not saying you have to be the martyr; God may have use for them on the other side of the grave. Be sure to employ all arguments at your disposal in rapid succession whenever someone questions your theology. If necessary, you can even throw in some arguments with logical fallacies, since the common Christian probably won’t notice. Remember, the burden of proof is ALWAY on them: you aren’t the one who is questioning thousands of years of Orthodoxy.

That is my three-step plan for defending Christendom from theological wimps. You are probably wondering when I am going to address the second half of the title to this post. Ha! Like making friends is actually part of Biblical Christianity.


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