Theology so easy a caveman could do it: Why Christian camps are evil.

I know, I know, you’ve probably been to at least one camp in your life. You probably look back and think of all the fun you had. You probably remember feeling “closer to God.” You probably established acquaintanceships there that developed into blossoming semi-frequent instant messenger exchanges. Maybe you even made a sweet action, performance-grade violin from twigs and rubber bands which you played for hours each day until “the cat” mysteriously broke it into small pieces and left it on the curb for the trash man. However, whatever your recollection may be, Christian camps are evil. Here are just a few of the reasons that you should never send your children to Christian camps.

First, camp evangelists preach their sermons at an “age-appropriate” level. You read that correctly. They don’t exposit the difference between infralapsarianism and supralapsarianism. They don’t give cogent arguments definitively proclaiming who the author of Hebrews was. Most of them will never even read an entire chapter of Revelation directly from the Greek in their anecdotal introductions to their sermons. No, all these evangelists do is drone on about how the children need to be saved and how they should dedicate their lives to God. Sure, the gospel is important, but is it important enough to make your kids spend an entire week of their summer devoted to it? Do you really want to spend your hard-earned money sending your kids to hear this stuff?

Second, camps promote unity. Once I was at a camp where the counselor wouldn’t let me kick some punk named Colton out of the room because his feet smelled bad and he snored. If kids don’t learn to separate from other inferior Christians at a young age, when will they learn? I suppose you want them to be unprepared to kick out a church member who thinks it may be ok for Christians to dance or drink moderate amounts of alcohol. The next thing you’ll probably say is that you wouldn’t even schedule an intervention if you caught someone raising their hands in worship. Like parents like children.

Finally, camps encourage kids to have spiritual conversations with their parents. This is probably the point at which camps are their most dangerous. When kids get back from camp they want talk with their parents about all the cool things God has been been doing in and through them at camp. Suddenly, parents become the primary disciplers of their children instead of the ordained discipler that is the Youth Pastor. Parents, do you have a 4 year degree in youth ministry? I. Didn’t. Think. So. Your church’s youth pastor probably spent a whole hour thinking about what God would have your kid to do for their life. Don’t steal that from him with some lame argument about how you’ve been “praying for your child’s spiritual growth since before they were born.” Keep your kids at home where your pastors can keep an eye on them.

I hope you now see the folly in the idea of Christian camps. But hey, if you don’t, just leave a comment below so I know who to separate from pray for.

 

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4 thoughts on “Theology so easy a caveman could do it: Why Christian camps are evil.

  1. Camp for us is next week. One of my favorite things for nearly 50 years.

  2. Wait, what is this doing in the satire section?

  3. Not what I was expecting. Great stuff. Down with camp! Sincerely, a former (and probably future) camp counselor and current youth pastor.

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